


A Tale of Two Idiots

by Lady_L



Category: Captain America - All Media Types, Iron Man - All Media Types, Marvel Cinematic Universe, The Avengers (Marvel) - All Media Types, Winter Soldier (Comics)
Genre: AU, Alpha Bucky Barnes, Alpha most people, Alpha/Beta/Omega Dynamics, Alright I'll let you read the story now, Also kids involved, Because author is not-so-secretly a pervert, Fair warning for attempted non-con, Fluff, Hang on, Happy Ending, Hey at least I'm honest, I REGRET NOTHING, I seriously love tagging shit, I'm not lying I really love tagging shit, M/M, Omega Tony, Omega Tony Stark, Overprotective Family, Protective Bucky Barnes, Protective james rhodes, SO MUCH FLUFF, The pervert doesn't even get to the clothes-removal stage, Troll best friends, but don't worry!, i forgot, mafia, obviously, probably smut later on, so cute
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2016-06-01
Updated: 2016-06-01
Packaged: 2018-07-11 04:00:26
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 5
Words: 6,199
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/7027618
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Lady_L/pseuds/Lady_L
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Adapted from the prompt I received: </p><p>Mafia AU. Bucky is the Mafia Don of the Avengers crime family, a fierce and feared man, known to many as The Winter Soldier. His right and left hands are The Captain and The Widow, his mercenaries and his best friends. Which is all well and good, might even be impressive - if his so called best friends would quit teasing him about his massive crush on the cute Kindergarten Teacher, Tony, in his territory.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. How It All Began

**Author's Note:**

  * For [DreamcatchersDaughter](https://archiveofourown.org/users/DreamcatchersDaughter/gifts).



_**10 years ago** _

**Massachusetts**

Tony screamed in frustration, unable to stop helpless tears of anger and worry. The noise must have attracted attention, for the next thing he knew, Mama Rhodes was putting an arm around him and berating the nurse for stopping her son’s little brother from coming in to see his family.

She kept the protective arm around him as they went into Rhodey’s hospital room; it was the only thing that kept Tony from collapsing to the floor at the sight of Rhodey with a hole in his chest wall and attached to a car battery.

“It’s alright, baby, your people found him just a few days after he was taken – the doctor who was trapped with him rigged up that battery which keeps the shrapnel from reaching his heart.”

“It was my weapons that did this,” Tony whispered. “It was my name on the weapons that are killing my best friend. My brother.”

~

The elderly and patronising alpha doctor objected to having a fifteen year old omega in the room while he discussed matters that were “too distressing and technical for delicate brains to understand”. He also didn’t see the point of anything beyond palliative care for a man who was going to die within a few weeks at the most, once the slowed-down shrapnel ripped apart his blood vessels and heart.

Daddy Rhodes punched the overbearing alpha in the face. Tony arranged for Rhodey to be airlifted to the best cardiac care centre in the world. They left the military hospital within the hour.

~

Tony worked feverishly, trying to miniaturise the arc reactor he had been working on. JARVIS ran simulation after simulation of elements that would be suitable for prolonged housing in a human body.

~

The media went crazy when they saw Rhodey walking out of the hospital, a circular blue glow visible through his t-shirt. Apparently, Tony was no longer the “over-emotional omega, too young and volatile for responsibility”, who had “betrayed his country” and “destroyed the proud legacy his father left him” when he stopped weapons production. He was now the “unprecedented genius” who was “taking revolutionary steps in medical technology” and “the most brilliant young mind of this century”.

 

*.*.*.*

  
**New York**

Bucky spat on the ground as he walked out of the VA centre. Apparently, they were unable to provide even a rudimentary prosthesis for the arm he’d lost while serving their country. Far, far worse, in Bucky’s opinion, they were unwilling to provide basic therapy for Steve, who had come home with PTSD, and would not give Natasha her pension due to her discharge being dishonourable. The facts that it was being tortured in ice for months that had led to Steve’s PTSD and that Natasha’s dishonourable discharge stemmed from her trying to rip off her superior officer’s penis after General Ross attempted to rape Clint were not seen as relevant.

After the attack on Clint, he and the rest of the Howling Commandos had resigned rather than re-enlisted with the army for another tour. Now, however, Bucky felt responsible for his squad. The only one who was financially stable was his Lieutenant, Thor, but Bucky felt that they had already imposed on him and his pregnant husband, Loki, more than enough.

The pair had graciously welcomed the rest of the Commandos into their home, but it had been almost half a year, and the only ones who had managed to find steady jobs were Phil, Clint and Sam, all of whom were on minimum wage. As it turned out, very few places were willing to hire veterans, particularly those who were visibly changed by their service.

As people used to standing on their own feet and unwilling to live on the generosity of their friends, no matter how kindly the offer, it was humiliating to still be dependent on Thor and Loki’s unselfish largesse. Steve, in particular, was terrified of continuing to live in their friends’ home. He didn’t want to take the risk of his PTSD causing him to lash out at the pregnant Loki or the baby, once they were born. Bucky’s jaw clenched. Something had to be done.


	2. Time Passes, As It Does

**_Headlines from 8 years ago_ **

 

AVENGERS CRIME FAMILY TIGHTENS HOLD ON NEW YORK – ARE THEY NOW LOOKING EASTWARD?

 

STARK INDUSTRIES UNVEILS NEW LINE OF PROSTHETICS – ASTOUNDING LEAP FORWARD!

 

IS TONY STARK BUILDING HIS OWN ROBOT ARMY WITH BIONIC LIMBS?!

Turn to pg. 5 for the latest exposé: STARK OMEGA SHOCKS TRADITIONAL VALUES – LASHES OUT AT ALPHA STANE FOR ATTEMPTING TO FOLLOW HIS DEAD FATHER’S WISHES

Turn to pg. 11 for the ongoing scandal: TONY STARK CONTINUES TO LIVE WITH ALPHA RHODES – “BEST FRIENDS” OR JUST NOT THE TYPE OF OMEGA YOU BRING HOME TO MEET THE FAMILY?

 

IRONY: CRIME RATES IN NEW YORK LOWER UNDER AVENGERS THAN UNDER FEDERAL LAW

 

IRON MAN – MYSTERIOUS NEW ROBOT WARRIOR?

 

 

 

**_Headlines from 7 years ago_ **

 

STARK INDUSTRIES MOVES ALONG EAST COAST TO NEW YORK – MERGER WITH PARKER MEDICAL?

****

 

 

**_Headlines from 5 years ago_ **

 

AVENGERS CONSOLIDATE HOLD ON ENTIRE EAST COAST – MOVING WESTWARD NOW?

 

“YOU’RE WELCOME” – WINTER SOLDIER SENDS UNTRACEABLE EMAIL TO MAJOR NEW OUTLETS AFTER KILLING CORRUPT VICE PRESIDENT

 

AVENGERS: CORRUPT MAFIA OR MISUNDERSTOOD VIGILANTES?

 

RIP VICE PRESIDENT ROSS – SMEAR CAMPAIGN AGAINST WAR HERO CONTINUES DESPITE DEATH

 

IRON MAN – INTERNATIONAL VIGILANTE NOW HAS A FRIEND – IRON PRINCE

 

 

 

**_Headlines from 4 years ago_ **

 

TRAGIC DEATH OF RICHARD AND MARY PARKER LEAVES BEHIND ORPHAN SON

 

TONY STARK GENEROUSLY TAKES IN PARTNER’S ORPHANED SON

 

THE BLIND LEADING THE BLIND – DO WE WANT TONY STARK RAISING THE HEIR TO THE PARKER BILLIONS?

 

HERO TO SINGLE PARENTS – UNMARRIED 21 YEAR OLD OMEGA TAKES RESPONSIBILITY FOR BUSINESS PARTNERS’ CHILD

 

 

 

**_Headlines from 1 year ago_ **

 

TONY STARK ABANDONS STARK INDUSTRIES

 

WHY OMEGAS HAVE NO PLACE IN BUSINESS – TONY STARK

 

STARK CEO PLANNING TO START KINDERGARTEN WITH SON?

 

STARK, TONY, PhD, PhD, PhD, PhD, PhD, PhD, PhD . . . EdD IN EARLY CHILDHOOD EDUCATION?!  


	3. Our Heroes Finally Meet

_At present_

 

“Petey-face, where are your shoes?”

 

“I don’t want shoes, Daddy.”

 

Tony stared at his son’s adorable face, before peering down at his bare feet. Peter wiggled his toes.

 

“I’m sure I’m going to regret this, but – why don’t you want shoes?”

 

“Shoes construct my freedom, Daddy.”

 

Tony stared at his son some more. Rhodey was cackling on the sofa next to him, the useless idiot.

 

“Okay, one: I think you mean constrict, Peter Pan. Two: where on earth did you hear that nonsense?”

 

“From you, Daddy. That’s what you were telling Uncle Rhodey when he was yelling at you for not wearing shoes in the lab when we do science.”

 

Tony bit his lip. Rhodey had fallen off the sofa as he roared with laughter. Daddy Rhodes had walked in and was smirking very irritatingly in the doorway.

 

“Alright, Petey. I forgot to tell you – it’s only okay for grown-ups to not wear shoes. It’s very important for kids and especially Peteys everywhere to wear their shoes and other items of clothing.”

 

“But why, Daddy?”

 

Silence. “It’s for science. It’s sort of like a law.”

 

Silence in response. “Like Asimov’s Laws?”

 

“Yes! Exactly, Petey!”

 

“But Daddy, you said Asimov’s Laws were bullshit and that’s why JARVIS and the bots don’t have to follow them.”

 

Tony had no response to this. In the background, his traitorous family were having a good laugh at his expense.

 

“And – and you said JARVIS and the bots were your babies. I’m your baby and I’m not JARVIS, so that means I’m a bot. If the other bots don’t have to follow the Laws, I don’t have to follow the Laws.”

 

Tony had to sit down. Then, he realised that he was already sitting down, so he lay down on the sofa. His son crawled on to the sofa and sat on his chest.

 

“And Daddy, the other bots don’t have to start kindergarten, so I don’t have to start. DUM-E and U and Butterfingers will be jealous.”

 

Tony was reconsidering his life choices, particularly his choice to become his son’s kindergarten teacher. It didn’t look like either of them would be going to school any time soon.

 

Then his saviour walked in.

 

“Gramma!”

 

The Peter-shaped projectile was off his chest and its trajectory put it directly in the path of Mama Rhodes.

 

“Why aren’t you ready for school, honey? You and your Daddy need to leave soon so Daddy can say hello to all your new friends and their parents.”

 

“I’m not going, Gramma. The other bots don’t have to go, so I think I should stay home so they don’t get jealous. And I think Daddy and Uncle Rhodey are sick. Daddy’s just lying on the sofa like when he forgets to sleep after inventoring and Uncle Rhodey’s having a ceasefire on the floor. I’m going to stay home and look after them.”

 

Mama Rhodes blinked twice, then stared hard at her family. “JARVIS, what is going on?”

 

JARVIS helpfully played the footage of what had just taken place in the room.

 

“I see. Thank you, JARVIS. Peter, honey, let’s address things in order, shall we? You are  going to put your shoes on, because that law is more like the law of gravity, not Asimov’s laws. You are not a bot, you’re your Daddy’s organic baby. You will go to school because that is what organic babies do. Your Daddy can’t code you, so you have to go to school and learn things. The bots will not be jealous, as they are allowed to visit you at kindergarten once a month, and one at a time. Your Daddy is lying on the sofa because his brain is tired, just like after inventing. He’ll feel better after I give him some hot chocolate. Your Uncle Rhodey is not actually having a seizure, but he may have one soon if he doesn’t know what’s good for him. You don’t need to look after them, though that is a very kind thought – thank you, honey.”

 

Peter and Tony watched Rhodey quickly stand up and make a tactical retreat to the kitchen. Daddy Rhodes quickly followed.

 

“May I have hot chocolate too, Gramma?”

 

“Only good boys who put their shoes on and are ready to go to school get hot chocolate. Are you a good boy who has his shoes on and is ready to go to school, Peter?”

 

Peter rushed around the room, putting his socks and shoes on, before pulling on the backpack he and Daddy had readied the night before. “I am, Gramma, I am!”

 

“Excellent, honey. Now go cuddle your Daddy while I make you boys some hot chocolate.”

 

~

 

Tony was having the time of his life. When he decided that his son, who was still nervous about going to school on his own, needed him there, he had immediately become qualified to be Peter’s kindergarten teacher. However, other than the prospect of spending more time with his baby boy and easing him into independence, Tony was rather dreading the prospect of being a kindergarten teacher. Oh, not the kid part – he was looking forward to having an entire class of tiny people to coo over and impart the glories of science to. No, it was the prospect of dealing with their _parents_. After all, pre-schoolers didn’t read the news, but their parents almost certainly did. Tony had not been pleased at the prospect of dealing with people who had already judged him according to the media’s lies and thought he shouldn’t be allowed to work with children.

 

Surprisingly, he was having a good time. Peter had hit it off with the kids who had come already, and this automatically gave him an in with their parents. As he discussed syllabi and optimal learning styles, he found that most of the parents had to deal with the media themselves and knew enough to not take it seriously. This had been one of the advantages he had hoped for with so exclusive a school but he hadn’t thought it would occur in reality.

 

As his most recent family – parents, one grandfather and one aunt – hugged their child and left, Tony did a quick head-count. There was one child, a Wade Coulson, yet to arrive out of his class of ten, along with everyone who was allowed to pick him up that academic year.

 

Just as he was going to organise a riveting game of Duck, Duck, Goose, someone knocked on the door. For a moment, Tony was about to tell the people outside that they had the wrong room, when he saw the little boy whose picture was already on the class ‘family tree’.

 

He moved forward to welcome Wade and the entire _tribe_ of people who were apparently allowed to pick Wade up from school. As per the school’s regulations, everyone who may be picking up a child had to meet their teacher on the first day, to avoid any misunderstandings or emergencies later on. However, no one had arrived with as many people as little Wade did. Tony shook hands with Wade’s fathers, Phil and Clint Coulson, five uncles, two aunts and four ‘family friends’ who screamed ‘bodyguard’.

 

At the very end, he turned to a tall, well-built brunet man who had been lurking at the back of the crowd, possibly due to embarrassment at leaking _very_ Alpha pheromones through the room. As Tony met a pair of deep blue eyes, he realised that this was quite likely the most handsome man he had ever met . . . and his scent said that he was very pleased to meet Tony. Looking down at Tony’s hand, the man grasped it in a grip that was surprisingly gentle for his size and opened his mouth.

 

“Buh-” the man seemed to choke.

 

Tony blinked. “Excuse me?”

 

The man stuttered for a few moments, shaking Tony’s hand up and down. “B-Bucky! Me – I’m Bucked. I mean – I’m Bucky. I mean – pleased to meet you. I’m Bucky. You’re very pretty. No! No, you’re not! I mean, you’re not not pretty, you really are pretty, but I’m not supposed to-”

 

Tony was blushing furiously. Thankfully, he and Bucky were saved further embarrassment by a blond man – What was his name? Thor? Sam? Stephen? No, Steve, that’s right! – gently detaching his hand from Bucky’s while grinning. The rest of Wade’s family seemed to be equal parts amused and flabbergasted.  

 

“Sorry about that, Mr. Stark. Bucky’s a bit shy.” Here, he gave Bucky a shit-eating grin while several people in the background seemed to choke or snort.

 

“Um, that’s perfectly alright, Steve. And please, do call me Tony.” Still blushing, he gave a small wave at the handsome brunet alpha. “It was a pleasure to meet you, um, Bucky.” There were several long moments where the entire room’s attention was focused on an increasingly awkward Tony and the now-frowning Bucky.

 

Wade’s omega father, Clint, and the only other omega in the group, the beautifully elegant Loki, cut in between Tony and the rest of the group, perhaps sensing his discomfort with the large group of alphas smirking at his and Bucky’s interaction.

 

“Alright, then, Tony, I’m going to leave my hellion in your hands today, God help you. If he misbehaves, which – knowing him, he probably will, just call me and put the phone on speaker. I’ve put the fear of Daddy and broccoli all week into him as best as I can, but it’s good to prepare for all eventualities.”

 

Tony smiled gratefully at Clint and they both turned to look at Wade. Who was apparently staring worshipfully at Peter while holding his hand. Clint choked on his laughter. Apparently, Tony thought, the boy took after his Uncle.


	4. Glacial Progress

_3 months later_

 

“Hey, Buh.”

 

“Shut up.”

 

“Yeah, Widow, shut up and stop distracting Bucked. He needs to focus on how he’s going to grow a spine.”

 

“Shut up.”

 

“What was that, Buh? I think you’re stuttering, O fearsome Winter Soldier.”

 

“Yeah, speak up, Bucked.”

 

“Shut up.”

 

“Sorry, Bucked, we can’t hear you over the sound of how incredibly lame you are.”

 

“Shut up, or I swear to God I will shoot you both.”

 

“Did you hear something, Widow?”

 

“I don’t know, Captain, it was this weird buck-buck-buck noise. Maybe there’s a chicken nearby.”

 

“Shoot you both dead, I swear it.”

 

“There’s your target, Buh. Maybe you should shoot her instead.”

 

“I hate you both so much.”

 

“Aww, look at that, Widow. The guy can take out an evil psycho at 300 metres and run a multi-state crime conglomerate, but he can’t even say his name properly.”

“Why the hell am I friends with you both?’

 

“Because you’d be fucked without us, Buck-buck.”

 

“Hey, nice, Tasha, that rhymed!”

 

“Thanks, it was a lucky accident.”

 

~

 

“So, Tony, Peter’s probably going to bring his little fiancé to Christmas dinner with the family. What about you? Your man able to get the words out yet?”

 

“Shut up, Rhodey. He’s not my man and what words?”

 

“Why, his proposal, of course! And of course he’s your man, he comes in with Wade’s parents every other day and stares soulfully at you while leaking pheromones all over the place like a teenaged alpha who just discovered his dick. He leaves behind flowers in random places like the world’s sappiest creeper. He even got a full sentence out the other day! What was it again?”

 

“Shut up, Rhodey.”

 

“Oh, yes – ‘Y-y-y-your eyes, they’re so b-b-brown’.”

 

“I hate you.”

 

Rhodey sobered and pulled Tony on to his lap, cuddling him aggressively. “Hey Tones, I’m just making fun. You know if any of us thought he was dangerous or playing games with you, Mum would kill him in a heartbeat.”

 

“Rhodey. You were there when JARVIS hacked all the parents and guardians. He’s a crime boss. The crime boss who runs our state along with several others.”

 

“So? Mum’s an overprotective alpha parent and you’re her sweet, innocent omega baby.  Stane’s still terrified and hiding out in South America after she got through with him.”

 

“I love Mama Rhodes.”

 

“She loves you, baby brother. Of course, she prefers Peter to both of us.”

 

“As she should! My Peter Pan is the most wonderful child in existence.”

 

“Besides, you’re missing the point.”

 

“There was a point to this, O Most Annoying Rhodey-bear?”

 

“ _The point_ – ahem, the point is that he seems to genuinely care about you. You have no idea how many times he’s waxing rhapsodic about you to his family when I have JARVIS spy on him. He really isn’t as idiotic as he comes across.  _And_ he seems to have a bit of a protective streak where you’re concerned. You know, there’ve been exactly zero attempts on your life since he fell head over heels for you and became the world’s most dangerous fluffball?”

 

“Yeah, so? Maybe people are finally getting the hint.”

 

“Tony. He has people looking out for you around the clock. When he can, he personally stands guard. I’ve counted 27 attempted assassinations that he or his people stopped in the last three months. I didn’t like the sound of him at first, but even I can learn to like a guy who knows how to look after you.”

 

“Don’t be a chauvinistic ass, Rhodey. I’ve never needed an alpha to look after me. I _let_ you and Mama do it because it makes you both happy.”

 

“And because Mum can bribe you to do anything with her hot chocolate.”

 

“True.”

 

~

 

“Hey, Bucked, Manhattan’s getting a bit freaky this week – this douchebag seems to think they can start up prostitution rings again. You think you can drag yourself away from creeping on that pretty little kindergarten teacher for a few days?”

 

“Shut up.”

 

~

 

“Yo, Buck-buck, your lovely Tony was looking quite beautiful today in the paper. I think I saw Justin Hammer drooling over him in the background.”

 

HammerTech suffered an inexplicable explosion in their main warehouse complex that day.

 

~

 

“Hey, Buh, you think we should read Tony in on the family business. I mean, if he and his adorable little Peter are going to marry you and Wade, they kind of need to know. In sickness and in health, in mafia war and in murder – I’m going, I’m going!”

 

“Shut up, Clint!”

 

~

 

“James, you are more than a dear friend, you are a brother to Thor and I and Uncle to my children. Therefore, please know that I say this with love.”

 

“Of course, Loki. You know I feel the same way about you guys. What is it?”

 

“You are an idiot.”

 

“Uh – what?”

 

“Your courtship of young Anthony is going far too slowly and you are not aiding it as you should be.”

 

“What.”

 

“I approve of protecting him – he has many enemies jealous of his brilliance and who seek to take advantage of him, not to mention those who seek to force a bond on him in order to take over his – oh, do stop growling, James. We have taken care of these individuals as they deserve. As I was saying, I do approve of protecting him. However, he has no idea that you are doing this. In fact, he has no idea that you are not a complete simpleton. All he knows of you are the ridiculous spectacles you make of yourself each time you see him and the flowers you leave for him. You must make your intentions clearer.”

 

“What.”

 

“When my beloved Thor was courting me, I had no idea what the flowers he was giving me meant. In fact, as he would sneak into my lab and leave them on my table, I believed that he was a saboteur sent from a rival pharmaceutical firm. It was only after I tased and captured him that he confessed his affections.”

 

“I know this bit, we laughed at him for weeks.”

 

“Hush, James. The point I am making is that very few omegas today care for the language of flowers – fewer still are familiar enough with it to read messages in them. Your Anthony may not realise that you believe he is your mate. To him, you may simply be a strangely persistent alpha who is obsessed with him and uses your nephew to see him frequently.”

 

“: _What?!_ But – but I would never-”

`

“I know that, James. We all do. However, we are your family and have years of experience dealing with you. Anthony does not have this advantage. From what I have seen of him, despite the lies the media has spun about him, Anthony does not appear to be particularly experienced with alphas being attracted to him. James Rhodes, that nice alpha who helps out at the kindergarten occasionally, seems to baby him greatly. Considering the fact that they became friends when Anthony was 12 and that Rhodes and his parents live with Anthony and Peter, I would wager that no alpha has ever been allowed close enough to date Anthony.

 

“Continue to be respectful, but make your intentions clearer. If they’re being courted, an omega likes to actually know about it. Otherwise, you’re just being a stalker.”

 

~

 

“Hey, Buck-buck, want to come shoot paedophiles with me?”

 

“Shut up. And lead the way. Asshole.”

 

~

 

“Hi.”

 

“H-h-hi.”

 

This scintillating repartee was followed by silence, with frequent glances at each other followed by quickly looking away and blushing, while Peter and Wade looked on with interest.

 

Phil, who had accompanied Bucky to collect his son, just in case actual sensible conversation might be needed, had his face buried in his hands.

 

“Daddy?”

 

“Yes, Petey?”

 

“Is this what Uncle Rhodey calls the mating ritual of the wild idiot?”

 

“What?!”

 

“What?!”

 

Phil burst out into laughter, while Wade stared at Peter admiringly, clearly in awe of his astuteness.

 

Spluttering, Tony attempted to push his son out of earshot of the handsome gangster. “That’s it, Peter Pan! Uncle Rhodey is never allowed to babysit again! When I get my hands on that traitor-”

 

“I don’t think you need to punch Uncle Rhodey, Daddy. When he said that, Grandpa laughed and asked for more details, but Gramma whacked both him and Uncle Rhodey on the head really hard. She said her innocent little baby wasn’t ready for mating of any kind, ritualistic or otherwise.”

 

~

 

“Rhodes.”

 

“Romanoff. Rogers.”

 

“Thank you for agreeing to meet with us.”

 

“Something had to be done.”

 

“No arguments here – it was funny at first but it’s just embarrassing now.”

 

“Agreed. So we’ll go ahead with the plan, then.”

 

“It looks like the only available option.”

 

“I’m in. On one condition, though – my mother never finds out I was involved in this.”

 

“Done.”

 

“Good luck with yours, then.”

 

“Good luck.”

 

~


	5. Things Speed Up

Tony yawned wearily as he drove back home. What kind of idiot thought it would be a good idea to take a bunch of five-year olds out for ice cream at the end of a field trip?! That was the last time he was letting Bucky volunteer for anything! How dare he be so convincing, and mess up Tony’s schedule for the kids with his stupid blue eyes and stupid sexy smirk and running his stupid strong fingers through his stupid soft hair!

 

Tony mentally reviewed that last sentence. Hmm, maybe Rhodey might have a point on attraction melting people’s brains. Tony resolved to never let Rhodey know this, in case his ego got even more unbearable.

 

A small sound from the back had him automatically checking on Peter in the mirror. Still dead to the world in his car seat. Awww, his baby boy was so cute.

 

That moment of inattention, of just flicking his gaze to the mirror before returning it to the road ahead, was costly. From his right, a car crashed into his engine, sending the car spinning until it crashed again, this time into a tree.

 

Tony blinked to clear his head of the disorientation. The airbag shoving him into his seat and Peter’s screaming weren’t helping matters. Still dazed, he realised that the car had spun until it now faced backwards on the narrow, lonely road, as he could see Bucky rushing out of the car haphazardly parked about a few kilometres behind them, carrying . . . a flamethrower and a sniper rifle?

 

His door suddenly opened and a hand holding a large knife punctured the airbag before slicing through his seatbelt. Tony was then yanked out, still too distracted by the ringing in his ears and the pain across his chest to put up an effective fight. It was when the man who had pulled him out opened Peter’s door that Tony started to struggle furiously against the man holding him.

 

“What do I do with the kid, boss? He’s screaming his head off.”

 

“Leave him. It’s not Winter’s kid, he’d be useless as a hostage. We just need his pretty little omega.” After he said this, the man holding Tony sniggered and licked a stripe up Tony’s neck. “Mmm, delicious. I’m going to enjoy fucking you while your mate watches you get split apart on my cock.”

 

Tony stilled in shock at the unwanted, unexpected touch for a long moment, before struggling again with renewed anger. He was increasingly worried as no help beyond Bucky came, as the car crashing should have sent a distress signal to JARVIS. Considering how close they were to home, Rhodey should have turned up, or at least been visible in the sky by now. Had these freaks attacked his family as well?

 

“Oh yeah, you pretty little whore, do that again. You just can’t wait, can you? Keep struggling, you’re just making me harder, slut. No closer or he dies!”

 

By this time, Bucky was within several metres of them and had already picked off all the men around them except for the man holding Tony and the four holding guns aimed at Tony.

 

“Let him go, Schmidt. He has nothing to do with Hydra or the Avengers.”

 

“Oh? My dear Winter, I’m sure your little slut must be very hurt to hear that from the leader of the Aveng – oh! Oh, this _is_ precious! He doesn’t even know who he’s spreading his legs for, does he?”

 

The man, apparently named Schmidt, laughed then bit at Tony’s neck. Bucky snarled, making an abortive move forward before stopping at the sight of the men carrying guns moving closer. Tony caught sight of the agony that crossed his face before it turned into a cold mask of displeasure again.

 

“You know, Winter, you and your little Avengers have been causing me quite a bit of pain lately. Those prostitution rings were just my little way of putting bread on the table and you took them away. And those paedophilia rings, those were my biggest earners, you know. You really hurt me when you broke my toys, Winter. It’s only fair that I break your toy and hurt you, isn’t it? I hope you’ll enjoy watching me play with him a bit first though. Is his ass as tight as it looks?”

 

Tony trembled, listening to Schmidt describe in obscene detail what he wanted to do to Tony, only pausing to lick or bite at his neck. If only the sick freak would stop holding Tony’s arms at his sides!

 

Suddenly, Schmidt turned to one of his men. “Who’s got the handcuffs? I don’t know whether the slut’s warmed up, but I certainly am! I wonder who makes him scream louder, Winter, you or me.”

 

As Tony waited while one of the goons went to grab handcuffs from their car, being careful not to take his gun’s sights off Tony, he saw the agony on Bucky’s face. The rifle and flamethrower in his arms veered from one person to another. He was unable to shoot any one of the men surrounding Tony, as then three others would kill him. Tony tried to smile at him, trying to convey that things would be alright, but he didn’t think Bucky could see him through the tears slowly running down his face.

 

The goon handed the handcuffs to Schmidt. Seeing his chance, as one of his arms was no longer in a vice-like grip, Tony quickly brought the centres of the two thick cuff-like bracelets he was wearing together, activating them. Within seconds, they had shifted into delicate looking gauntlets that wove around his hands and wrists. The pretty blue objects in the centres had shifted to his palms and were powering up.

 

As the goons, Schmidt and Bucky all stared, Schmidt even pausing in attempting to handcuff Tony one-handed, the modified gauntlets reached full power. Tony grinned. Flicking his hands to either side, he took out all four goons with repulsor blasts.

 

Schmidt swore and let go of him. Bucky raced forward, before halting at Tony’s “No!”

 

“No, Bucky, I want to be the one that kills him! You heard what he was saying, you saw what he was going to do! The first time an alpha touches me intimately and it’s to want to rape me!”

 

Schmidt stared at them both, his fingers slowly moving towards his pocket, when Bucky shot his shoulder. Schmidt screamed in pain as Bucky turned to Tony.

 

“Tony, sweetheart, believe me, I understand, but you’ve never had to kill a man in cold blood and –”

 

At Tony’s flat, unimpressed stare, Bucky stopped.

 

“I’m sorry, did you not just see me vaporise those 4 idiots? Who do you think helps Rhodey when it’s a large mission?”

 

Scowling to himself, Tony sent a single repulsor blast at the screaming Schmidt, ending his life far more mercifully than the bastard had been prepared to do to Tony.

 

Bucky blinked at the spot Schmidt had stood for several seconds, before turning to follow Tony, who was getting Peter out of their mangled car. He drew in a breath in preparation for what was possibly the hardest conversation he would ever have.

 

“Tony, I’m so sorry. I never meant to but I’ve put you and Peter in danger. Just let me explain and then you’ll never have to see me again. There are t-t-things you don’t know about m-m-me and –”

 

Tony rolled his eyes, as he walked hand in hand with Peter past Bucky, towards his car. He could hear the suit he had built Rhodey nearing them, as well as the sounds of cars coming closer, and he wanted to finally get the secrets out of the way before Bucky devolved to his normal stuttering around Tony and they had a peanut gallery.

 

“You’re the Winter Soldier, the leader of the Avengers. I know, I’ve known since you guys took over New York. Rhodey and I tend to work outside the States, as you guys seem to usually be able to take care of things at home.”

 

“Uh, what? I mean, what?”

 

“Bucky, I know who you are. Also, now I know you can talk when we’re in a life-or-death situation, so you have no excuse to stutter through normal conversations.”

 

“But they’re more stressful! You’re so pretty and smart and I’m a criminal, I’m not good enough for you! I can’t think of anything to say. And what did you mean about you and Rhodey?”

 

By now, Bucky was walking along with them, with Peter peering interestedly between his father and Bucky as if they were a new science experiment.

 

“Rhodey should be landing soon, so you can ask him that. Also, technically I’m a criminal too, so don’t let that worry you. I feel like we’ve properly broken the ice now, so you shouldn’t have any trouble talking to me. Where’s Wade?”

 

“Um, in the car. It’s bulletproof, so I told him to call his parents and lock the door behind me. Um, I think those are Natasha, Steve and Phil’s cars. And, shit, is that Iron Man landing?! I thought he went after international terrorists! Quick, sweetheart, get in the car with Peter. I’ll hold him off until the others can get you three away.”

 

Tony looked at him with a grin. “Oh, don’t worry, that’s just Rhodey. Hey, Wade likes him – we should get him out of the car so he can meet him as Iron Man.”

 

Bucky’s jaw dropped and he stopped in his tracks. He could see the others getting out of their cars with various weapons drawn and looking . . . guilty? What the hell?

 

Steve and Natasha reached him just before Iron Man landed, while Clint and Phil went to where their son was hugging Peter and Tony.

 

“Shit, Bucky, we’re so sorry, it wasn’t until Clint called us that we took the threat seriously.”

 

Bucky was confused. “But I sent you guys the alert as soon as I saw the car hit Tony and Peter.”

 

Iron Man’s mask retracted and Rhodey spoke. “All three of us are at fault. I didn’t respond to the initial distress signal either. It was only after the gauntlets activated that I realised Tony and Peter really were in trouble.”

 

Tony had come up, along with everyone else. “And why exactly was that, Rhodeybear? I thought that psycho had attacked our home and hurt you guys!”

 

At that, three very ashamed friends admitted to the reason behind their delay in responding to the distress signals. They had run into each other on a mission a few weeks ago and Rhodey had recognised them and identified himself. They had all bonded over how their oblivious best friends were unable to move forward from the stuttering and blushing stage. Apparently, their cunning plan to have Bucky and Tony get together and properly speak to each other was to have Tony’s petrol indicator signal empty while along this road, so that he would stop the car and need help. Then Bucky, being the overprotective idiot he was, would be obliged to stop staying at a stalkery distance and come help. Then Bucky and Wade would give Tony and Peter a lift home and hopefully, being in the presence of only two adorable children and having the ego-boost of having ‘rescued’ Tony, Bucky would finally grow a spine and properly talk to Tony and start their courting officially.

 

This stupid plan was why they didn’t take it seriously when an alert had gone out from Tony’s car and Bucky had sent a message for immediate backup due to danger to Tony and Peter.

 

The trio of well-intentioned but idiotic miscreants looked down in shame and guilt as everyone else glared at them.

 

Tony’s voice was tight. “So it was because of this _stupid_ , interfering plan you lot cooked up that I thought my family was dead and I was about to be ra-violated in front of my son? Thanks, Rhodey.”

 

Rhodey went pale underneath his dark skin. Bile rose in his throat at what he had inadvertently almost condemned his little brother to. Natasha and Steve looked like they were going to be sick as well.

 

Tony continued speaking. “You know what? I can’t deal with you lot right now. We’re all going to go to my home and Mama Rhodes is going to deal with you.” He turned away and moved towards Bucky’s car, the boys following him. Bucky gritted his teeth and swallowed back the betrayed questions that were bubbling up. It was more important to get Tony and the boys to a place Tony felt comfortable in now.

**Author's Note:**

> A huge thank you to the very talented Potrix, who very kindly beta-d my work for me! All remaining mistakes are my fault, not hers.  
> Dreamcatcher's daughter, I hope this was something like what you wanted. If not, my apologies.


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